Funhouse Mirrors…..
I woke the same as any other day
Except a voice was in my head
It said seize the day, pull the trigger
Drop the blade, and watch the rolling heads
The day I tried to live
I stole a thousand beggar’s change
And gave it to the rich
The day I tried to win
I dangled from the power lines
And let the martyrs stretch
Singing
One more time around might do it
One more time around might make it
One more time around might do it
One more time around
The day I tried to live
Ever had one of those days where, for a moment, you catch a glimpse of yourself and wonder just how close you are to becoming the type of person you promised yourself you would never become? You catch yourself laughing at something that really isn’t funny, just to put the person at ease. You smile at someone whose putrescent heart poisons their every interaction. You smile, because it makes the working day more bearable. You smile, as their vitriol strips away the dignity of a co-worker.
You bear witness to ‘questionable’ business practices, all precipitated by men who claim virtue and righteousness when it comes to matters of a more obvious moral nature, yet deem it appropriate to dispense minimum wages without the slightest twinge of guilt. You watch and listen, but do nothing, say nothing; convincing yourself that it would make little difference to say anything. These are men of power, because we have given it to them freely. They drive an expensive car, they live in an expensive house; they must have power to possess these things, so we give them more power.
This is not about disdain. This is not about the notion that I am somehow ‘better’, that I see things more clearly or that my acknowledgment of the dark underbelly of society enables me to be seperate from it. Nothing could be further from the truth. This is about leaving a legacy of impotence for my child. Teaching her that everybody knows you have to live behind a mask to operate in this world. That it’s okay to be someone you are not, because it keeps you sane, or it allows you to minimise the conflict between who you are and what you do.
Should I take pride from the fact that no one at work has the faintest clue that they deal, on a daily basis, with an imposter?
Words you say never seem
To live up to the ones inside your head
The lives we make never seem
To ever get us anywhere but dead
The day I tried to live
I wallowed in the blood and mud with
All the other pigs
I woke the same as any other day you know
I should have stayed in bed
The day I tried to win
I wallowed in the blood and mud with
All the other pigs
Dearest daughter, take the air into your lungs until it hurts. Stare at the sky until you think you can see the universe beyond. This life leads to far more then death, and to live it as someone else is perhaps a far greater sin then to not live it well. Do not mistake kindness for indifference, nor indifference for tolerance. You are of this world, not it’s supposed masters. You can redefine power, and what it means to wield it.
I have learnt a different lesson, one harder to accept and even harder to fight. But I will try.
And I learned that I was a liar
Just like you
Soundgarden – The Day I Tried To Live
Ten Miles Beyond the City 
The Truth will set you free? Hell, no – the Truth will make you fret.
I could hear old Chris singing in the background, as I read thruogh this. I’ve learnt it’s very difficult to take on other people’s battles in the workplace, you either become a martyr or you get fired, neither of which helps anyone in the long run. But sometimes, just sometimes, it’s really great to voice dissent loudly and stand back to see how the “top dogs” handle it. I’m very brave at starting revolutions me … but then I end up hiding in the corner. 🙂
I can relate to what you’re saying, FM… So many times I kick myself for working at pleasing other people instead of expressing how I really feel. It’s much easier for me to be honest when I’m at a distance, i.e. via writing, than it is face to face, but I’m trying to change that. In fact, I don’t have near the friends I used to, because I don’t want to compromise anymore. But when you have a job you need to keep in order to bring money in to provide for yourself and your family… that’s tough.
You’re going to be a great father. You’ll teach your kids to strive for personal evolution every day, and I think that every evolving person – working together – CAN bring eventual, societal change, even though it may take years. At least, I hope so….
As I’ve just said over at my blog, my brain isn’t playing nice today. Otherwise I’d leave a comment that said something, unlike this is which says very very little.
But great post.
I go through that on an almost daily basis. In a position just one step lower than upper management I struggle so hard to maintain my core being, keep my eyes and ears and thoughts with the front line worker…where I used to be…in the hopes of making things better for them. It is hard when sometimes you and just a few others are the lone voices of sanity and restraint but it is also what I enjoy about my job. Trying to cut through the nonsense, trying to make a difference, trying to inject common sense back in the workplace. Good post machine, very good.
It’s a very fine line between courage and recklessness, and learning to compromise doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re betraying your principles or values. I’ve learned that the hard way. Sometimes it’s extremely important to stand for those principles, sometimes it’s simply vital to give yourself a little slack.
And I doubt your daughter will ever think of you as an imposter.
f*** all yall
mykkel is so fukin fruity
who the fuck wrote that shit
you get ya ass beat